Conflict Management

 Before I dive into the topic for this week, I want you to stop and think of a time when you were physically in danger, it can be a real threat or just perceived. How did you respond? What was your initial response to the situation?

Now think of a time when your opinion, character, morals, ideals or thoughts were put into question (danger). How did you react? Was it the same gut instinct?

In both situations your body reacted to some form of danger and you most likely said you ether ran from the situation of fought it, right? Well, I would like to add a third option that is often overlooked, yet just as natural as the other two. This would be the “freeze” reaction to situations of endangerment.

It is true that a lot of the animals ether run from danger or fight it, but a large number of animals also freeze. Deer in the head lights and possums example have the natural response to just freeze and to shut down. Guess what? About 60% of Americans do too. And, to add to it, both animal and human have that gut response to both perceived and real moments of danger.

So, now that you have thought about it, what is your natural response to danger? I don’t suggest going out and looking for trouble, but I am curious as to what your natural instinct is. Feel free to comment below.

In the times of physical danger, two people might have the different response to the situation and for the most part would be accepted by the other part as acceptable way of handling the problem at hand. The focus would be more on the outcome (they are both safe) than how they got they got there. Take the same two people later on and they have a disagreement. Who they are or what they stand for is in danger of criticism. The one who fought the situation of physical danger will still want to fight, and the one who froze at the danger will still shut down, and the one who ran will still run. None of them are bad, but they are the bodies way of handling the moment of stress or crisis.

The unfortunate thing is that often in the middle of an argument, people don’t stop and think “oh, hey, I wonder if that person handles stress differently than I do. Maybe she is not being mean, but is doing what she natural does. And maybe my way of coping is making it worse”. But rather, both engage solely in what is natural, and do not know to or try to come above what their naturally wanting to do. Having different  ways of handling stress management is not bad, but can lead to some obvious problems in a married (or other) relationship when both don’t take the time to stop and realize that they other person may not be trying to make things worse, but doing what they know how to do, naturally.

I would suggest that if couples were more aware of this and sensitive to it then conflict would be a productive thing and not something that destroys marriages. I challenge you (before you have a disagreement) to find out what your spouses gut reaction is an then be sensitive to it. Be aware and careful of not letting the situation spin out of control because of the conflict management (that may or may not be working). If you have a disagreement, let the problem be the problem, not the other person. No matter what they do, right or wrong, if you see them as the problem then nothing will ever get resolved, but if you look at it together and not at each other then you can come to an agreement and it can pass with out to much trouble.

Good Luck! Let me know how it goes (you can try it on your kids, too).