My Dad Taught Me to Be a Feminist

Do you remember being a kid and dreaming of that day when you were on your own and didn’t have to worry about a thing? Waiting for when you got to leave home and live a life of your own? Most of us do, and I was no exception. After going to some college, I decided to take on a new adventure. I found myself being 21 and living halfway across the U.S., it was new and it was exciting.

With all this excitement though, there also came a stark reality check when I got word that my dad had become ill. In a short amount of time, my adulting experience reminded me that life is short and never guaranteed. My dad's health faded fast, and on a late October night—just a week after his 59th birthday—he passed away.

Having grown up with my dad after my parents split when I was a teenager, we had an unusually close relationship and his passing left a void that was indescribable. It was a different pain than divorce had caused, but it was just as deep. I knew that I would miss him and as anyone can imagine, losing a parent is hard. What I didn’t expect to experience was how much I would need a “father figure” to help fill in a part of that void.

I longed for someone who I could turn to for advice, direction, and counsel. After his passing I felt like I didn’t have anyone who really understood me, nobody to talk to about things that I held close- boys, education, or career, just to name a few.

What was it about having a father active in my life that had such an impact on me as a woman?

First off, it was my father who taught me what it means to be a woman- to value myself as a female.

I remember many daddy-daughter dates with him as I grew up. At the time I thought they were just fun times with dad. However, reflecting after his death I came to realize that he was teaching me to expect real respect from men. He treated me like a princess because he wanted me to know my own worth, and one day have that same expectation of respect from whomever I would marry. He knew that there would be many things pulling for my attention as I got older, and he didn’t want my inner worth to be one of them. He somehow knew that by showing me my worth then, I would not doubt it later.

Second, my dad taught me the value of working hard and earning the things that I really desired whether it was in school, work, or personal goals. He showed me that I am capable of accomplishing great things and motivated me to not give up when something was hard.

Research has shown that girls who have active fathers in their lives experience less abuse, less teenage pregnancy, and greater confidence in themselves as they mature. With 23.6% of children living in father-absent homes¹, there are a lot of kids missing out on that experience and the benefits of having a father figure. But does that just apply to children with biological dads? It certainly helps, but the benefits of an active father figure are not limited to such boundaries.

Before my dad’s passing, I met an older couple—Mike and Annette— who I became very close to. During the weeks and months of tears and change, they stepped in and became a vital part of my life. I got especially close to Mike, and quickly I learned that the power of dads extends far beyond just biological relations.

For months, I found myself calling Mike on a daily basis. Sometimes we would talk, but a lot of the time, we just cried. He was there for me. I learned that this world needs dads who will step in when biological fathers can’t or won't. Good men have a great influence on the world, and daughters—women—need that in their life.

We live in a society that often overlooks the value that men can have in our lives and strength they are to us as women. If we are to be “feminist”, we must recognize and acknowledge that fathers—men— are a huge part of that empowerment.

Good men and father figures who take time to listen to, be with, and encourage girls have the power to change the world because it is through women that the next generation comes into the world.

It is our responsibility as women—and as feminists—to support good men and encourage strong male role models.

We all come from different life experiences and have varying lifestyles but wherever we are in life, we can support fatherhood. Many girls don’t have the same relationship I was able to have with my dad or Mike. If that is you, don’t feel alone. You have such a great opportunity to help others and to encourage men and boys to be strong role models for others.

Mothers, teach your sons to respect, love, and encourage the girls around them.

Sisters, let your brothers know you value it when they are there for you.

Wives, encourage “daddy-daughter time”. Dads who play with and spend time with their children build confidence in them, encourage them to push themselves and be creative.

Daughters, let your dad know you appreciate him. Reach out to him and do what you can to start to build that relationship if it's not there. If you do have a good relationship, let him know how much you value that in your life.

Being a true feminist is not just about being a woman, but recognizing the power that men have to help us reach our full potential as women. My dad did that for me, and Mike has continued to be there, pushing me to reach for my best and achieve new heights which I would not have attempted on my own.

Supporting fatherhood is empowering not just feminists, but women.

Footnotes:

¹(in 2014-U.S. Census (2015)/ National Fatherhood Initiative)

²(Horesh, N., Sommerfeld, E., Wolf, M., Zubery, E., & Zalsman, G. (2015). Father-daughter relationship and the severity of eating disorders. European Psychiatry,30(1), 114-120. doi:10.1016/j.eurpsy.2014.04.004)

"Lessons from Dad", a Letter to Her Father

I wrote this on Father Day of this year and seeing that my dads death date is coming up in a few days and it seemed fitting. 

Lessons from Daddy: 

Last week I attended a conference titled “Fathers, Be Good to Your Daughter”. It was about the impact and incredibly vital role that fathers have on the development of their daughter’s self-image, emotional stability, happiness, mental growth, and spiritual growth. The goal was to try and debunk or fight the negative connotation that the word “father”, “husband”, and “dad” have in today’s world. In many ways it’s no longer “cool” to be a dad, or to fulfill that responsibility outside putting food on the table, if that. Movies, TV, websites and all other kinds of media take the scared role of father and try to make men look useless, dumb, or incapable of having a role in the development of their children’s lives. As I listened and thought about the person my dad strived to be, I felt impressed to share with you my personal experience with the power a daddy has on his children.

I am the oldest child in my family and when the divorce happened at age 12, the younger kids and I were able to stay with my dad in our home. I was always close to my dad but seeing him have to take on the full role of parenthood made me watch him even closer. These were new waters for us all, and it was my dad who I looked to for direction about what to do and how to handle the pain we all were feeling. Without mom there, dad was the one I ran to for help, direction, advice and comfort. He became an active part in providing not only physically but emotional and spiritually. Growing up, it felt like we tag teamed a lot of things and just as any single parent family, there were stressors put on parent and child that may not have been experienced in a more traditional home. 

Fast forward to when I was 20, I left home to serve a mission for my church, leaving my dad and younger siblings at home. 6 months after leaving, my world was thrown to a halt when after 2 weeks in the ER, my father and hero passed away. Thoughts of the impact my dad had on me have never been so prominent as they have been sense I got that phone call one October night. It is now that I see what my dad taught me, I’d just like to share the few most important lessons.

-        -Daddy taught me who my Heavenly Father is. It was in the quite mornings or late nights that I would walk into his room only to find him in quite communication with his Father in heaven. Seeing dad on bended knee- pleading for me, his child- taught me more than words can tell of the role that God can have in our lives through the good times and the bad.

-       - He taught me it’s okay to cry, to be angry and to hurt. This might sound crazy but it’s not weakness to cry. It’s not weakness to be vulnerable. And it’s not weakness to let others know you feel that way. -A father has a powerful opportunity to teach his children that those feelings are a part of life, but that it is how we react or respond to the feelings that matters. Being able to express yourself in healthy, constructive ways teaches a child because they watch you.

-        -Daddy taught me that I am beautiful. Women and girls often struggle with self-esteem and knowing who they really are. Fathers who compliment their daughters for who they are and the woman on the inside are able to develop strong sense of “me” and seeing themselves for who they are. Beauty can’t be bought or found in a relationship but only developed by self-respect. A father has a unique way of helping his daughters to develop that from the inside out. Dad taught me that a man will never give me that and to find a man who sees that beauty and respects my body the way that I do.

-       - He taught me that nobody is perfect, and that is okay. He had his mistakes and faults too, my father was not perfect. However, he was perfect at trying and I learned that it’s okay to fail. If we say “I am sorry”, ask for forgiveness and do the best we can to make a better choice next time then it’s not a mistake, it’s a learning opportunity and a chance to grow. 

So sense I can’t write my dad a father’s day note and tell him these things, I wanted to send it to you. This is only my story, but you and your child have your own. If it’s not a happy one, then have faith in Christ to change it. I believe in you, but more importantly, your kids believe in you and your Heavenly Father believes in you. Happy Father’s Day. Thanks for being a dad.

I know that you may not have daughters, but I am a daughter and I can only speak from my own experiences. However, you are a son and you had a man that helped bring you into this world. You may be very close to him or you might not know his name; maybe its somewhere in between…however, you know the effect that whatever that relationship is has had on you and I promise you that whatever you experienced in your life with him can be built upon, improved on and YOU can make a change in YOUR child’s life so that one day when your child holds a baby in his arms, your son can look back and say that you did your best and find hope that he can be a good father to his sons and daughters. The change starts with you, and you can do it.

-One Dads “Little Princess”

The Prodigal Parent

Well hello.
Been awhile.
I have been writing blog post for a group called Foundations For Family life for about the last year and while I am obviously active on their site, I realized that it might be worth it to be so on mine as well. Here is the latest and greatest.

Lately I have been contemplating the topic of fear. This world has a lot to offer in the way of things to be scared of. From getting spooked by that dumb motion activated spider on someone’s door step Halloween night to the fear of being a parent, it’s a real thing. One of the hardest things for us to face in this life is the fear of who we were and being able to overcome the past to build better relationships with people we love.

               I think of the prodigal son in the Bible- a boy who as soon as he was able, took his inheritance from his father and ran off. He squandered it, disregarded the counsel of his father, and gave no heed to the wisdom of others who were wiser than he. Instead, he followed his friends and chose to do things his way. When all was said and done he was left with nothing. Physically he was out of money and had nothing but the cloths on his back. His friends were all gone and the fun of the world had turned into misery and pain. Work was scares, the one job he found was caring for the pigs, with no food of his own outside the slob that the animals fed on. I take the liberty to assume that it was fear of facing ones who he disobeyed, fear of admitting wrong, fear of having to face his father and family, fear of being less than he was before and fear of never living up to being less than a servant that kept him from coming home sooner.

               Even so, the experience soon wore on him and until the need for proper care made it worth it to face his fears and come home. He had no idea that his father would be watching, waiting and longing for his return. The father knew that the path his son choice would not end in joy and happiness, and prayed that when that day came, his son would return. We don’t know from the account how many days the father waited for the return of his son, but it mattered not. He waited. To the son’s amazement, his father saw him from afar off and started to run to him in the distance. He wrapped his son in the biggest hug and tears streamed down his face as he held his son in his arms again, seeing with his own eyes the one he loved so much. When they reached the house, they had a party, killed the fated calf and celebrated the return of his beloved son. (Luke 15:11-32).

               When we screw up and choose to make poor choices or get distracted it can be hard to come home. Its scary to face the ones we hurt and disappointed. Terrifying to think of their reaction that would surly come when we admit our wrong- this prodigal son was convinced his father would never want to see him again and was prepared to be a servant the rest of his days in his father’s house where he would have to live with a daily reminder of his bad life decisions, never able to live up to who “he could have been”. Not to mention the comparison between him and his brother that were sure to come.

               We are imperfect parents who fall short. But we have a loving Heavenly Father who is always ready and willing to welcome us back and just like the son, we will ALWAYS be welcomed to our Fathers arms. Christ plea to come, seek and knock was PLEA to come unto Him, to come HOME. By facing our fear and choosing to make the choice to return, to apologize and submit to the will of the Lord, whatever that may be, we are able to walk up that dusty path and come back to the Father. The beautiful and amazing thing is, the effort in knocking on the door to our savior’s home, comes in the decision to do what we need to return and as we start walking, I can promise you that He is waiting. Just as the father waited for his son, so is our Savior waiting for us. The father ran to meet the son while he “was yet afar off in the distance” and God will always do the same.

               I learned a powerful lesson from my parents who taught me the power of admitting wrong and changing their life even when it was hard. It takes courage and humility to say “I’m sorry” and even greater so when you look your children in the eye and say those words. You might feel like the son returning home, having to face the one he hurt. But great blessings will come as you do so and put forth the faith to show them through your actions. I know from personal experience that no greater lesson can be taught to a child then by watching their parents change their lives in both word and action.

               Our dusty paths home all differ in their course but they are all full of “I’m sorrys” and “I’ll do betters”. None of us walk it alone. Parenthood is a process that requires the best efforts of imperfect people but with humble hearts and faith in Christ we can overcome our weakness and be more than we are on our own.