How You See the World Versus How Your Special Someone See It

As you are dating, and entering into marriage (and even before then), you have certain expectations for your future relationship. Everybody sees the future marriage having specific roles and boundaries for both the individual and themselves. This is referred to as a personal contract.

A man and a woman will (or I should hope) discuss what they expect in that future marriage. And they might agree that the man should be the breadwinner and the woman, care for the house. But personal contracts go deeper than that.

For example, the two might agree on this arrangement above but not discuss the fact that  “housekeeper” to the woman means she still wants him to help with dishes after he is off work; while the man sees it as his work is done when he clocks out and sees no problem with watching TV while she sets for dinner. Not discussing this could lead to some obvious problems. If we were to follow it a little further down the road, the wife might not say anything but her husband could see that something was wrong, never realizing that his watching TV in her eyes was rude and disrespectful, just because it was not agents his personal contract. That is, until she blows up and a fight breaks out. 

The difference on personal contracts is not bad, or wrong they are just different and can be a huge source of contention when the relationship is not “founded on principals of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities” (yep, I just quoted the Proclamation to the World: The Family. Check it out here: http://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation) and a very solid understanding that the others personal contracts will are built on experience, ideas, the family of origin and the mindset of the other person. Whatever they are doing makes sense to them and usually the goal is not to make you mad. 

It is important to note that often times a person does not know what his or her personal contract is. Even in the middle of contention caused by the violation of a personal contract, it can be hard to step out of your frame of mind and to accept that what he or she did was not to annoy you or to push your buttons. They may have done what seemed logical and obvious for them to do. By realizing now what your personal contract is and how and why you react a certain way- any maybe more importantly how and why your significant other does things in a certain way you can extend love, forgiveness and mercy when your contract is violated. And lets be honest, everyone sees the world a little differently and everyone has different expectations- on everything.

No matter how perfect your special someone is, its only a matter of time until something in your contracts does not line up. Its up to you to take it as an act of treason or to take the chance to learn something new about the person you love so much and to share with them why it bothers you. It is a chance to extend mercy and to compromise and serve one another as you work together, as one to solve a problem that might have potential to grow if left unattended.

Man and women are different in many, many ways. Physically, emotionally, thought processes, ideas, instincts. God has made us different, and because I believe in a kind, loving, compassionate Heavenly Father who “does all things for our good” (Doctrine and Covenants 92:94?) I don’t think he made us these differences so that have can argue with the people we love most. When your love does something that irritates you, take a second and ask if they did it out of spite or because that is what their contract says.  When you get married, it’s for better and for worse, the good and the bad, now and for all eternity. You sign and agree to the others contract trusting them to respect yours and to sacrifice for yours and you should do the same for them. Doing so allows the Spirit in your home more fully and I think it is a way of humbling yourself, and becoming more like Christ. As each person does everything to serve the other- even at the expense of themselves then a healthy marriage is built and maintained. 

Ill also add that I have tailored this to marriages and intimate relationships but knowing this and realizing it could help any relationship. Siblings, friends, parents, coworkers. Basically, I am just saying before you react to someone take a second in their shoes and see if they are really doing it to just tick you off or are they doing what makes since in their mind.

Brother Williams has another class where they talk more about this and an assignment he has for the class is to make their own personal contracts. This includes a delegation of household tasks, expectations that you hold for yourself and for your spouse, and how you expect things to go- this is done in detail. Everything from who takes the trash out, to marital boundaries and intimacy, to who takes care of the bills. He then has you take it to someone of the other gender and get his or her input. If you’re in a more serious relationship, have the other person fill it out to and see where you are in the same opinion and where it differs. You can come to a compromise before it’s a problem or at least you can expect it and not take it personally when he or she does something that breaks your contract. Doing this wont fix all the problems that can and do arise in a marriage when the other person does something "wrong" but it can help to open your eye to the other person's view and help you to be more aware of yourself in the future. 

I would like the input of those who are married, or had such experiences that would add insight to this topic. Have you seen your personal contract or the others person's effect the relationship? How did you get over these differences? Did they bring you closer together or draw you apart?