Fireproofing Your Marriage

We talked about a pretty significant and rather heavy topic a few weeks ago that I would like to share with you. Though the topic in itself might have a significant mount of weight attached to in the hearts of those who have suffered its reaching effects, I hope that what I share will extend an equal amount of hope and a suggestion for the future as well. We cannot change the past, but we can learn to enjoy the present and make it good because in the future, this will be the past. (Woah, I didn’t know I was capable of profound moments….)

In the world today we have many challenges that face our lives. Not the least of witch is the danger so many marriages face now days. Sadly, divorce is something that is to widely seen and felt.

Take a moment and think of your most prize possession. A motor cycle? Journal? Truck? A your hard earned laptop or ipod? Maybe, though not thought of as a “object”, but is still a possession, your dog or cat? How hard do you work to keep this prized possession safe and protected? How hard do you work to protect it from the weather, or other people that might not hold it to the same pedestal as you do? How important to you is it?

Now look at your family. Your spouse. That person that you care so much about that you agreed to be with forever. The one who taught you what love is. For this life and the next.

Do you put that much focus and time into your marriage as you do your motor cycle? Do you run and get that rag for your marriage to clean it off when mud splashes on it like you do your bike? Do you invest as much of your resources into your marriage to protect it as you do to buy protective gear for when your riding? You would never feed yoru dag anything but the best food, why would you give you marriage anything less than the best food it needs for survival?

I suggest that if you did and that if everyone gave as much attention to their marriages as they did all the things in life that often take a false precedence, than broken marriages and homes would not be as common or far reaching.

The next question is probably something along the lines of ok “What do I need to do?”

“Friends, Facebook, Family and Fighting” is both the title of a awesome slideshow made by Brother Williams (that I hope to attach here if I can get it to work), and the 4 things that can be the most detrimental to two people in love. Ill explain each of the “flames” and what you can do to fireproof your marriage from them. Anyone can use these to make their marital relationship better and stronger. I would ask that you read about each with your spouse and agree on one or two that you can do to better strengthen your marriage. And, if you have any other thoughts or ideas, please share below! Ill get married someday (I hope) and would like to know before hand anything I can do to help mine be as safe and wonderful as possible.

Just like a fire where water will most always put it out, the water to marriage, simple and direct as it may sound, is setting clear boundaries. This will put out and protect the marriage from most of the sparks and potential flames to a marriage.

Friends-

A lot of time in todays world we don’t expect the boundaries with friends to change with marriage. Lets explore the problems that leads to.

In friend relationships, things are easy, you don’t have responsibilities, its endless fun, and there is a “no consequences” mindset. In marriage, you have total allegiance to your spouse, consequences for your actions, responsibilities and limits to fun. When things get hard in the marriage, the friend option is a lot more inviting. But when the opposite sex friends are retained after marriage, it is often at the expense of the marriage. Why?

It becomes a source of contention between you and your love and it leads to comparison. As Brother Williams said, “you never had to deal with your buddy with morning breath while stressing about an important exam while they had the flu”. And more importantly, it leads to emotional infidelity. The first step to other forms of infidelity. When you share your tender feelings, thoughts and emotions with another outside that of your marriage, you are breaching boundaries that should have been set before hand (and kept). We are commanded to cleave unto [our spouse] and none else”. Seeking out approval, understanding and connection with cross gender friends (and sometimes same gender friends) that should be reserved for your spouse is not cleaving unto your eternal companion.

To help with this, talk about and set clear boundaries for friends of both genders. And then stick to it and make sure both of you tell you friends what they rules are, no exceptions. NEVER EVER spend time alone with someone of the opposite gender. Its asking for trouble and looks bad to say the least. Last, don’t feel bad for wanting to be your love’s one and only. They married you- you are SUPPOSED to be their one and only.

Facebook-

As you have experienced, facebook is a great way to connect with past friends- and lovers. It does not have to be sought out, but can happen without intention. Ether way, it has the same results if not handled properly. Just like with texting and other ways of communication that does not require you to talk face to face, it opens a door to saying things that would not have been said otherwise. Investing time, interest and intimacies even when not done in person is infidelity and you are putting your marriage at risk. You are hurting the person that should mean the most to you.  Saying “he/she is just an old friend” is playing with fire. It is easy to rekindle old emotions for someone even over facebook and can happen even with the best of intentions.

 To protect from these flames, watch the amount of time you spend on the computer, texting, emailing, and gaming. Are you saying things to this person that you would not want your spouse to know? Are you justifying it with “its not bad, [your spouse] just wouldn’t like me saying it, so its okay”? Would you talk about this stuff with that person if it was a face to face conversation? Why or why not? Do you want to hide these conversations? How would you feel if your spouse did the same or said the same? You know if what you are doing is appropriate based on your answers, protect your marriage. Making someone upset by changing how you interact with them is better than hurting your spouse.

Family-

This is a tricky one because family is SO important. But we must be aware that to much of a good thing is a bad thing and that “a good thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing”.  Let me explain. 

Marriage is the formation of an eternal relationship and when it is interfered by one or the other running to parents or siblings when things get hard, the two people don’t effectively learn to run to their spouse for comfort, support, advice and understanding. This most often is done by the girl, but can happen by ether party.

The danger in not setting clear boundaries with family comes when time, energy and emotional support is diverted from the marital relationship. And because this most often when there is conflict in the marriage or at a time when you and your spouse might not see eye to eye, your family will (most often) take your side and be mad at your spouse. After all, you are their daughter, and no one should treat you that way! ….And they will think that way even after you kiss and make up. They are not as forgiving of his or her mistakes as you are and don’t care how well he or she kisses when they say sorry.

Let your family know that you love them, spend time with them, talk to them, yes. But never ever let your husband or wife (and children) come second to your parents or siblings. They were fine before you were born, they will be fine when your on your own raising your family. Gods first command to Adam and Eve was “therefore shall a man leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.”

Fighting-

Go look up some pictures of the city Babylon, before and after it was destroyed. It was well protected; the walls were 335 feet tall, 85 feet thick and 56 miles in circumference (app.14 miles on each side). It was self sustained because the river Euphrates ran through it- a source of water and place for waste. To protect the city from invaders through the water ways, underwater gates were installed. Obviously this place was well protected and well taken care of.

And then all in one day, it was overtaken. But how?

Cyrus, King of Persia had the river diverted a few miles upstream and then when the water was about shin deep, the kings people went in and were able to take down the water gates; thus entering and over taking the city that could not be conquered. Why did the people of the city not stop the intruders when they came in the gates? Because the kind of Assyrian was so bad to his people that the inhabitants welcomed the invasion!

Please, please don’t let this be your marriage. Don’t let the outside look so strong and your forces to outside invasions be so great and then forget to show your spouse that you love him or her. Don’t let your marriage fall apart form the inside so that when problems come, it is welcomed and seen as an escape. Protect your marriage from the inside and outside.

In all aspects of marriage, set clear, defined, agreed upon boundaries. They can change over time, and probably will as the family system changes, but agree upon them and talk about them as they do.

Ill end with this touching video that made me cry when I saw it. This is true love. Work for it, desire it, protect it. And love your Love. J http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?cid=HPL2P05W01015&lang=eng