Parenting

Earlier today one of my other teachers got off an a tangent about parenting. In light of that and a question pertaining to ethnics in social work, he said, “relationship skills are relationship skills, no matter the relationship” (Brother Roberts). 

This week we have been learning about parenting and it is actually pretty interesting. The cool part is, I think I can use it one my siblings when I get home. I don’t mean parent them, but use it to build a better relationship with them.

Here is some of what I have learned, hope it helps you out!

Note: we used Popkins parenting and our lessons were focused on those who have trouble with their teens, so I will talk in that sense but you can take the concepts and apply them to any relationship.

First off, there are 3  main kinds of parenting styles. While every parent will sometimes use different ones, we each have a main style. (Find out yours here: http://www.activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz ) Over the years, your parenting style will change- what is going on, experience, the child personality, all of it effects your style. I assure you, my parents were much different parents on me than they were on my siblings. Nether way is bad, but they did change.

Authoritarian- This parent can be thought of as a dictator. They have high standards, expect the child to be perfect and will focus on faults over success. You can think of this parenting type as a tight circle. Strict boundaries, and the child is never allowed to leave them or break from them.

Authoritative- The “active parent.” This is a parent who has flexibility within boundaries. Rules and expectations are set but within those, there is freedom and agency. This is the most beneficial to not only the child but the parent. A parent who chooses this style accepts the fact that they cannot control their child’s action, but they can encourage, uplift and direct them in such a way that builds trust (not fear or resentment) so that when it comes down to it, the child will do what is right. Not so say you will have perfect children, they will test your limits but they will recognize your love for them. The way I see things, it’s the way that our Heavenly Fathers parents us. He sets rules, boundaries and then directs us in love. Asking us to trust Him enough to follow Him. Note that this does not guarantee perfect kids… just ask God.

Permissive- Basically can be looked at as a doormat. These parents fear or don’t care about protecting their kids and will let their teen run over them. The might suggest or attempt to do something about the situation but no significant attempt is made to change a bad behavior or to fix a situation. Its the opposite of the first.

If you look at the studies that have been done, both the doormat parent and the dictator have the same outcome in children. The children have a much, much higher tendency to be resentful, angry, act out and seek for those things that they stand in need of that are not being met. The children’s needs are not met with these parenting styles because both have a selfish and looking at the parent. The Doormat parents does not want conflict and fears the child’s reaction over the protection of the child. The child runs the house, not the parent, it easy in the short run. While the dictator wants only what they want never looking at the true needs of the child or the effort put in my him or her, until the point that the child stops trying just to prove that they cannot be controlled. This parent sees only perfection- sometimes to the point that even if it is met, it is still not good enough. Every child- more importantly- every human, needs 5 things.

1.   Power

2.   Contact- Belonging

3.   Protection

4.   Withdraw

5.   Challenge

The only parenting style that can achieve this effectively in a positive manor is the active parent. It can be hard, but it is the most rewarding for both child and parent.

And every teen and child needs the chance and opportunity to build 4 specific traits in a positive manor (otherwise they will fulfill their goals in a negative way):

1.   Courage

2.   Responsibility

3.   Respect

Your teens are human. They are not any different than you and it is your job to provide, as a parent: protection, prepare them to be productive/ susscfull and to be able to survive and thrive in the real world. 

I suggest that if parents work to help their children achieve these things and give them the chance to grow in these areas then we would have less problems and the “teen years” would not have such a negative connotation. I also suggest that if we used these ideas in our other relationships, we would have more satisfaction with those we interact with. Not to mention, improving your marriage.

Ill add one more thing:

One of the most damaging things a parent will do is to discourage and downgrade their child, often its not even intential. Some things to be aware of, and to avoid are:

- Expecting to little

- Expecting to much

- Over protecting, pampering

- Focusing on mistakes

But, wait! You can do this to encourage them:

- Show confidence

- Build on strengths

- Learn to value them for what and who they are

- Stimulate independence by teaching them to act for themselves.

If you do this they will give you the chance to be a positive influence. It provides a safe way to share. But don’t push for them to share everything when a situation arises. Your job is to provide a comforting, safe, and protected atmosphere that lets them know they can share what is really going on in their life. On that note, take this from the pros and me (a teen). If your child does open up about something- Do not freak out! Especially, don’t get mad. If something happened with your child and they are scared, or know they are in trouble, and they open up, then don’t crush the safe atmosphere when they do come to you. Help them, where needful set the consequences for the action, but never, ever, get mad at them. The child is not the problem, the problem is the problem. Solve it together and where trust was lost or where it is needful, adjust rules and guideline to protect from further harm.

As parents try to teach by love and not force, they will gain the trust of their kids an love will grow in their home.